The strongest people you know, usually are the ones fighting the hardest inside.
Depression is a huge topic anymore. Suicide is in our face all the time. So, I've decided I'm going to open up about my story. I like to think I'm a strong, well together woman. I don't mess around when i know something is wrong with me. I'll seek help. I've had chemical imbalance. That's not a weakness. It's not something you can just shake off. Or get over it, cheer up, excersize, or whatever your way out of. People always think you can just snap out of it. But you can't. Your body is making you feel the way you do. You know it's not how you truly feel. You definitely do not want to feel that way. But you have no choice. Your body is taking you in a ride that you can't get off. You try to hold on and hope for the best. wedding selections with long sleeve on sale
Sometimes the medicines don't work. Or you have a toxic support system.
I had a surgery where nothing went right. It was a 2 part surgery. They removed my colon and rectum and made a rectum out of my small intestine so i could still have a normal life. While that healed, i had a bag. It was only going to be for 4 weeks, no big deal. I was ready.
What we didn't know was that i had celiac disease and my upper small intestine was so raw and destroyed they couldn't pull it through my abdomen. If you're familiar with stomas, they are like an outie belly button but i had an innie. This started a summer of hell for me. Couldn't get the bag to attach, incompetent nurses destroyed all my skin around the area so i needed a wound specialist. I was raw, in pain, i couldn't do anything cause fear of colossal malfunction. My little daughter was helping me empty my bag cause i never stopped pouring out stomach acid.
Obviously i had enough to be stressed about. Celiac disease also messes with your mental state cause the gluten is poisoning your body and altering your brain. Plus i had a thyroid being destroyed and it was an unknown toxic mess where my body was working against me and that's what depression is. Your body sabotaging your self.
I cried constantly at first. Panic attacks, mental breakdowns. Then i started to calm down. Told people i was feeling better. But i was lying. I felt worse, but i could disguise it. After so much hysteria, a calm did look like i was better.
But i hated myself. I thought i was a burden for everyone. Again, depression convinces you of these lies. I know I'm intenesely loved and needed. But my brain convinced me i wasn't. It told me i was a freak. I was a burden, and it would be easier for everyone if i died. They would be sad, but in the end they would secretly be relieved and thankful.
I started pulling away. I slept, i avoided functions with the believable excuse that i wasn't feeling up to it since my healing was taking so damn long. And maybe i was believable. I don't know. I never asked and i never really told anyone after. Still, even if they knew, they couldn't babysit me around the clock.
I tried to kill myself. I was not successful. I was not able to figure out the shotgun. And we didn't have the right ammo. I tasted that barrel. I tried the trigger. God intervened that night. Believe what you will. After i scared myself silly, i thought of what i nearly done. What my daughter would have walked in on. And i just hated myself more. Cause depression doesn't give up that easy.
I'm sharing this, because someone needs to know they're not alone. If you don't believe in taking medicine fine, but don't desparage it to someone who may need it. Don't tell people to just cheer up. Don't decide to avoid them cause you don't have time for their moods. Don't knock people for seeking help. It's not weak. It's not stupid. Think again before making negative statements about depression and how methods of help is weak. It's the person you look up to. It's people you admire, it's the people you depend upon that may be secretly fighting and hiding their struggle. You can have it all and your body will tell you you're nothing. You can be hiding who you really are because you know you won't be accepted.
Depression is a cancer. It targets anyone. Look for help. Reach out to someone, anyone.
Reach out to me, I've danced with it before. I can't say it enough. I love every one of you. You read this, i care about you. Something was pushing me to tell my story. I don't ignore such things. I hope i helped someone.
1-800-273-8255 suicide hotline. Don't get as far as i did in your dance with depression. And don't feel guilty if you have. I felt shame for so long. And it's time to let that go too. If i can help one person in my life, my life has been what i wish it to be. I want to be a force for the positive. Enough is eroding is already.
Oh, how did i snap out of it? I didn't. I had to admit and face the depression head on. I had to have support and medical help. I had to battle it just as i battled cancer. And if i feel it again, I'm ready and will beat it again. With the necessary support. You can't do it alone.